Tuesday, September 16, 2008

2 Experiments: 1 Pass, 1 Fail (Part One: the Fail)

(preface) No Thank You Boy is also Science Boy, Engineer Boy, Lego Boy and Experiment Boy. He takes after his mother who loves chemistry, physics and all nature of scientifical things. We aren’t afraid to try new things to see if they will work and learn cool new stuff. This insight will become relevant momentarily.

(Chapter One)
While I’m moving the container housing the TWD Whopper Drop Boomerang I say to myself, “Self! Hey, here’s a great idea! Why don’t you use this big hunk of whopper drops to make Cake Balls? I saw those Cake Balls and they looked like a fantastic idea! Using these will be awesome! The kids will love it! You will love it! You can post it on your blog! Yay!” So with the highest of hopes I went and found Bakerella’s Cake Balls recipe. Ingredients: cake (check), frosting (check), chocolate bark (check), little sticks (check), food coloring (check).

So I chop up the whopper dropper boomerang into whopper dropper chunks and put them in a bowl. Checking my stash of pantry fodder I find a can of Duncan Hines Cream Cheese Frosting and mix it in. Note to self: Duncan Hines Canned Cream Cheese Frosting SUCKS BIG TIME. DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER BUY IT AGAIN. You will convulse into violent, wrenching dry heaves at the merest suggestion of it.

What I am now looking at in the bowl will be lovingly (and most accurately) described later by my three children. For now, I take this very sticky cat yack and try rolling it into balls. Right. Not gonna happen. So I blop them onto the cookie sheet in ballish, clumpie, ah, blops and throw it into the freezer in hopes of firming them up enough to make proper balls later.

Now at this point I’m thinking, “This tastes like shit and looks even worse, but in the name of SCIENCE! I will keep going and maybe at least master the technique of creating cake balls so that this won’t be a total loss.” Pressing onward, I melt the chocolate bark. I chose white bark to be able to test out a food coloring idea I have. I used the real stuff food coloring. I used too much real stuff food coloring. I wound up with fluorescent yellow bark. Scary fluorescent yellow bark. SCIENCE!! (the technique, focus on the technique!)

I keep going. I take the blop balls out of the freezer and try to make ROUND blop balls out of them. (Do I really need to touch every one of these at this point?) SCIENCE!!! The Little One comes up and immediately recoils at the sight of the tray of cat yack blops. (Hey honey, wanna help me stick sticks into these? EEEEEyeH! WHAT ARE THEY?!) Holding his nose, he gingerly helps me stick the sticks in. Now we’re ready for the dee-licious candy bark coating. I try dunking one of the cake blops into the bark but it’s so thick that it won’t dip properly. (For the record, I am really good at making real chocolate dipped strawberries, apricots and other things. People clamor for my dipped treats. They do. Really. Pinkie swear.)

Hmm. Thick bark. I make my dipping chocolate ah, dippier by adding a little shortening, maybe that will help here. Alas, but no. No, it won’t. In fact it will make it much, much worse and turn the “dip” into a thick unspreadable concrete-like paste. Two steps backwards. Great. Remember: SCIENCE!!!!
What if I add oil? No!
More heat? No!!
Water? (I’m way past even considering “edible” at this point and I’m into full Science Girl Mode trying to see what happens if I do This?)

I finally got out the camera realizing that I needed to document this technicolor nightmare.

Oh, water made it spreadable allright.

The big kids come in. “AAAAAHHHHH!!!! WHAT IS THAT????? Chicken balls!? Tuna balls!? Cat Throw-Up Balls!? Barf Balls!? You’re not that far off, kids.

I present Exhibit A:

1. Nekkid cake blop
2. Cake blop dipped in thick bark
3. Cake blop schmeared with paste-like bark
4. Cake blop dipped in runny 3-Mile Island nuclear reactor meltdown bark

The Messy One (who’ll try almost anything once), bravely took a bite of specimen #2 – cake blop dipped in thick bark. It didn’t even make it to the molars. He took a bite and then went running into the bathroom and let it just fall out of his mouth into the toilet. Blop. True spitting would have had to involve additional tongue contact.

Bill Nye has left the building, folks. The whole mess went right into the trash, and not just in, but out. Wrapped, bagged, tagged and kicked to the curb. I bet even the raccoons won’t mess with it and eat them. If they do, I’ll bet we’ll see them glowing in the forest like little woodland creature nightlights. Or find nuggets of neon ‘coon poo dotting the countryside.

I turn to you, my fabulous foodie friends for help. I implore you - where did I go astray? When did I cross over to the Twilight Zone where my vision of ethereal cake balls became effluvial cat yack blops? Was it the crappy frosting? (I confess I may have added too much to the boomerang chunks in the first place.) What about the bark? (yes, I nuked it.) I need brand names of ingredients, people! I need manufacturers! I need answers! I need… I need a quiet moment to myself.

This however was not to be, for you see, Science Boy had spotted the food coloring…..

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  1. Hilarious! I so totally needed that this morning. =) "neon coon poo" lmao!

  2. LOL! I've made cake balls many times, and while I'm new to your blog and don't know what the whopper concoction is you are talking about (I saw the wonderful looking cookies though) I must say that this is hilarious! Thank you for the funny this morning and for sharing your mishap! :)

  3. SO funny!! I haven't tried the cake balls yet and now I am worried:) Ha!

  4. How FUNNY!!! I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying -- but in this case, that may be appropriate! Did the "Messy Eater's" tongue start to glow?
    What's next in the name of SCIENCE?

  5. That was hilarious! Sorry your science project bombed, but you made it all work for us, all in the name of blogging entertainment!

  6. I needed a good laugh and you provided. Thanks!! :)

  7. LOL, that is perfect...I totally needed that good laugh!

  8. haha You crack me up... "throw up balls" I remember the first cake I ever baked was when I was just a little one yet but wanted to impress mum and pop so I accidentally used baking soda instead of flour.. and when they thought I was not looking... rightfully spit it out but said how lovely it tasted... I've had just as much horror in the kitchen as an adult too but we are bakers, cooks brave to even try.. though eh?


  9. Ow! Laughing so hard! This is the funniest frigging thing I've read in forever, I think I love you.

  10. Great post! I agree, that frosting is crap. Dont give up on the balls, your so close. I used regular chocolate on my balls (that sounds so dirty LOL) but I believe Bakerella use Wiltons candy coating.

  11. Thank you for sharing your kitchen/science experiment. I'm glad to know it happens to the best of us! ;) Your writing it all down was, well, to use the term everyone else did, hilarious. Thanks for sharing. Your blog is great.
    Bakerella's cake balls are amazing and I have a fear of trying to make them. You were brave!

  12. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has disasters on this scale.

    Thanks for sharing and making me laugh.

    Duncan Hines might not feel the same way ;-)

  13. This is the best post I've ever read. I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks for sharing!

  14. Sorry for the ordeal but you did give me a great laugh this morning! I needed one :)

  15. LOL! Crazy! I think you should make some more Choco-tini's--that will help you. :-)

  16. Your experiment positions you are firmly and squarely on trend!

    Honest: http://danamccauley.wordpress.com/2008/09/11/the-bastard-offspring-of-gourmet-cupcakes-and-frosting-shots/

    I suggest stepping far away from the nuclear waste coated cake balls, though!

  17. Oh dear! I'm afraid I have no idea what could have gone wrong, but it made for a very entertaining story! ;)

  18. LOL! This is my first time here, very nice blog!

  19. That was hilarious! Thanks for posting :)


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